Ever need to vent? it always worked better for me when i put it in writing. i cannot speak on how other peoples brains work, but in know my brain wears me out. its always going, even when its time to rest.
lately i have been nonstop thinking about an event this year that changed my life.
i should let you know that i am not one to live by inspirational quotes, i am always the "Trial and Error" type.
so all of the twitter preaching never really gets too me.
I moved to Broward in July, i was too excited about the move and so was my Best Friend from ABC years Andre, he called 2 days after i moved in, he wanted to come over and help, i was moody cause i was still looking for a job.. i told him no..and told him no when he asked about a week after that. i am a very private person..when Im stressed i don't like company or pity. I was always dodging calls or putting people off.
Fast- forward to the last three weeks in July...Andre finally gets his heart and lung transplant. You see Andre had Pulmonary Hypertension and he had been sick from birth..but i never saw him that way. he has always been a staple in my life. I was so happy when he got the transplant. That was good. I went to the hospital to visit with my sister i was nervous because i didn't know what to expect ..and i didn't know what to say to my aunt Judith..(Andre's mom) I'm the worst in those situations. When i got up to the room i instantly wanted to cry..he was so swollen..he didn't look like himself. he wasn't very responsive its then i realized the extremity of the situation..he might not make it. i couldn't speak..everyone was being so optimistic and all i could think was how could this happen? when did this happen? where was i? I'm supposed to be his best friend?
When leaving the hospital that day i whispered to Andre " I'm not coming back till you get better, please Andre"
I lied. Even though I couldn't sleep for days after leaving the hospital i went back, i went back because Andre wasn't getting any better. I drove to Jackson Memorial in a daze, still not knowing what to expect..there were so many people in and out of his room..aunt Judith told me to go sit and talk to him..about what? this isnt the Andre i know? me and this Andre had nothing in common. i just went to sit and waited. around 3pm it became evident what i was waiting for. the medicine was futile and they were going to remove him from the life support that night. i was waiting for my best friend to die. i was waiting in a cold hospital for a part of my history to die. my mother and brothers came and it did no good , they left and that night..as we all stood and said bye. Andre passed away. i wasn't holding his hand when he died. his "best friend" was. I didn't even know her. i felt so lost? how could i ignore him? he didn't know how much he meant to me? that i love him so much? that he was my first real brother?
At the funeral of course i cried. i cried and i cried. I felt like i let my friend down. I felt i was the only one surprised by his death. A very long time ago, Andre asked me not to see him as sick and i can tell you i never did. I didn't see it coming...he was my best friend. I have so many regrets..so much..
I guess what i ca get out of writing this is release, and to tell you that when you have someone anyone that's hows you they care, show it back and do not wait. I also want you to consider becoming an organ donor. yes you who is reading this now. Even though it took many tears to write this Im glad i did.
I love you Andreano clarke, Always Will
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